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say im sorryYou may be thinking, is it that difficult to apologize? I didn`t know it either, before I bought this. In the book ” the things I wish I knew before i got married”, by Gary Chapman. It is written the rules of apologizing. Gary says that everyone does mistakes, but if we don`t ask for sincere apology, we won`t be forgiven and the resentment won`t go away, instead it will build up to become bigger. Here are a simple formula to how you can apologize to your spouse, five apology languages :

  1. Expressing regret : “I`m sorry” may well be the first words in expressing this apology language. However, you need to tell what you are sorry for. The words “I`m sorry” spoken alone, are much to general. For example, you might say, “I`m sorry I came an hour late, I know you have been waiting for me so we could go to the movie. I realize that we`ve already missed the first thirty  minutes, and you probably don`t want to go. I feel bad that I did not pay more attention to the time. I got busy with work at the office. I can`t blame anyone but myself. I feel like I have let you down big time”. This apology language is an emotional language. It is seeking to express to the other person your emotional pain that your words or you behaviour have hurt them deeply. If this is the apology language of the one you have hurt, what they want to know is: “Do you understand how deeply your behaviour has hurt me?”. Anything short of this kind of apology will seem empty to them.
  2. Accepting Responsibility :  This apology begins with: ” I was wrong” and then goes on to explain what was wrong about your behaviour. The person who has spoken harshly might apologize in the following manner. ” The way I talked to you was wrong. It is not loving or kind to raise my voice and speak harshly to you. I should not have allowed my temper to get out of control. I`m not blaming you. I`m accepting responsibility for my behaviour and I know it was wrong. The person who`s primary language is accepting responsibility, is waiting for you to admit that your behaviour was wrong.
  3. Making restitution : This apology language seeks to “make it right”. What people with this apology language wants to know is ” do you still love me?”. Your behaviour seems so unloving to them that they wonder how you could love them and do what you did. What they request for you to do will be in keeping with their love language.
  4. Genuinely expressing your desire to change your behaviour :This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behaviour from reoccurring.
  5. Requesting forgiveness : “will you please forgive me? ” These words are music to those whose apology language is requesting forgiveness. In their mind if you are sincere, you will ask them to forgive you. This is what an apology is all about. You have hurt them and they want to know  “do you want to be forgiven?”.  “Do you want to remove the barrier that your behaviour has caused?”. Requesting forgiveness is what touches their heart and rings of sincerity. What most people want to know when you are attempting to apologize is ” are you sincere?”. However, they judge your sincerity by whether or not you are speaking what to them is a genuine apology. That means you must learn to speak your apology in their primary apology language. When you do, they sense your real sincerity.

Gary says that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. He says he draws this conclusion from the reality that all of us are human and humans sometimes do and say things that are demeaning to other people. These unloving words and actions create emotional barrier between the people involved. Those barriers do not go away with the passing of time. They are removed only when we apologize and the offended party chooses to forgive.

Excerpt taken out from the book ” Things I wish I `d known before we got married ” , by Gary Chapman.

souls recognize each otherThere are five ways of expressing your love, that Gary Chapman  has talked about in his book, “the five love languages”. Here is a brief summary of the five;

  1. Words of affirmation: This language uses words to affirm the other person. “I really appreciate you washing the car, it looks great”. “Thanks for taking out the garbage, You are the greatest”. “You look nice in that outfit”. “I love the fact that you are so optimistic”. “I admire the way you helped your father”. “Your smile is contagious”. “Did you see the way everyone brightened up when you came in that room”. All of these are words of affirmation. Your words may focus on the other person personality or they way they look or something they have done for you or others. To speak this language you look for things you admire or appreciate about the person and you verbally express it to him/her. If a person`s primary love language is words of affirmation, your words will be like rain falling on dry soil. Nothing will speak more deeply of your love than words of affirmation.
  2. Acts of service: For these people actions speak louder than words. If you speak words of affirmation to this person like, ” I admire you, I appreciate you, I love you”, they will likely think and perhaps say; ” if you love me that much why don`t you do more to help me around the house?”. If acts of service is their primary language, then washing the car, moving grass, helping around the house, and changing the baby`s diaper is precisely what makes them feel loved. The key to loving this person is to find out what things they would like for you to do. Then do them consistently.
  3. Receiving gifts: For some people what makes them feel loved is to receive a gift. The gift communicates, “he was thinking of me, look what he got for me”. The best gifts are those you know will be appreciated. To give her a fishing rod when she does not enjoy fishing will probably not communicate your love very well. How do you find out what the other person like to receive? You observe the comments they make when they receive a gift from other family members. Listen carefully and you will discover the gifts they like to receive.  Listen to them when they are watching a shopping catalog. You could ask ” if you wanted me to give  you a gift, give me a list over things you would like to have”. It is better to give them a gift they desire than to surprise them with something they don`t wan`t. Not all gifts need to be expensive. A rose, a candy bar, a card, a book – any of these communicate love deeply to the person whose love language is receiving gifts.
  4. Quality time: Quality time is giving the other person your undivided attention. It is not sitting in the same room watching tv. Someone else has your attention. It is being in the same room with tv off, the magazine on the table, looking at each other, talking and listening. It may also be to take a walk together talking. Couples who go to a restaurant and never talk together has not spoken the language of quality time. They have simply met their need for food. Quality time says, ” I am doing this because I want to be with you”. The ultimate purpose is to spend time together.
  5. Physical touch: We have long known the power of physical touch. Research indicates that babies who are touched and cuddled fare better emotionally than babies who spend long periods of time without physical touch. Every culture has appropriate and inappropriate touching between the members of the opposite sex. Appropriate touching is loving. Inappropriate touching is demeaning. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing speaks louder more deeply than appropriate touch.
  6. Follow Islam: (Not written in the book but my comment): being a good muslim. If your husband / wife and you are in different stages in your emaan you could have difficulties in your marriage. Islam is not only to follow it`s commandments but also improve oneselfs seerah / conduct / character. The Quran was not revealed in one day, but in different stages, years. To first make everyone firm in the believe in One Allah and then improving their conduct/ character over years. Once the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) asked his companions who is the most ghareeb person on the day of judgement? The Prophet said: The one who has prayed and fasted and done a lot of good deeds, but because of his bad character he lied, he was mean to others, he stole from others property etc. So all of the people he hurt in the dunya will recieve all his good deeds, when they get empty, than he will recieve their bad deeds, and he will be ruined. (Tilnærmet betydning).  Make sure that you have your priorities right when it comes to religion. The best is when both the spouses are equally passionate about Islam and how to live according to it and learn more of it. Even if this is not the case, different levels of emaan can be a way of doing dawah at home, to your spouse. Your goal, after marriage, is that both of you go to Paradise together. Helping each other practice the deen and make it easy for each other, inspire each other, is a way to accomplish that.

First observe you own behaviour, second what do you complain about, third what do you request very often. Sort it out and find your love language.

Excerpt taken out from the book ” the five love languages ” by Gary Chapman.

Check out and click on site www . Purify Your Gaze . com

https://purifyyourgaze.com/

My Prayer..

“O Allah, place light in my heart, and on my tongue light, and in my ears light and in my sight light, and above me light, and below me light, and to my right light, and to my left light, and before me light and behind me light. Place in my soul light. Magnify for me light, and amplify for me light. Make for me light and make me a light. O Allah, grant me light, and place light in my nerves, and in my body light and in my blood light and in my hair light and in my skin light.” Ameen

Bukhari and Muslim

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Surah 105 Al Fil

Let not man be intoxicated with power, Or material resourses, They cannot defeat. The purpose of Allah. So Abrahah Ashram Found to his cost. His sacrilegious attack On the holy Fane of Allah brought about His own undoing:what seemed but frail Destroyed his mighty hosts in a day!

The foolproof tip of the day for everyone else!

USE YOUR OWN VOICE TO RAISE YOUR OPINION!

Nasiyat..

(",) My Mum always says that
you should marry someone
who loves you more than you
love him, because that man
would never ever make you cry
or be the reason that your
sheding tears. He would do
anything to always keep you
happy and satisfied (",)

Poetry

(“,) Your heart is mine and mine is yours, and so it`s been since I`ve known love`s true meaning itself, holding each others hand we stand together beneath the lovely sky, gazing towards the same destiny, just U and I (“,)

Naat/hamd-Quote of the moment :)

Saari duniya ke liye dard
se mahmor hain jo..
Ik faqat Rehmat-e-aalam
hi ka seena dekha..

Ye sab tumhara
karam hain Aka
ke baat ab tak
bani hoyi hain..

Ehsas dein toofik dein..
Phir jazbaen Siddiq dein..

Kya ye zarra likhein
Shaan Unki, jin pe
bejhein Salaam
khud Khudai..

Quote of the moment :)

Though we might sometimes
have to struggle through thick
or thin,We will receive each
other’s support to be there to
win..And we will blossom like
this through eternity..
InshaAllah
Ameen summa ameen

Når du er forent med en
du elsker, er det ingenting
du ikke klarer :)

Gode ord skaper tillit.
Gode tanker skaper
Inderlighet. God
giverglede skaper
kjærlighet:)

Mood :)

Content.